General Grief Info

The Meanings and Implications of Your Loss

“We don’t ascend the hill of sorrow and blithely descend the other side,

never to feel another twinge of grief again. Our ascent is more of a spiral.

We continually circle around and face the pain again from a slightly different vantage point.

It is true, however, that if we face it courageously we will never have to face it in quite that way again.”

Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside

The initial shock and emotional reaction have subsided…

… the fog seems to be lifting…

…so why do you continue to have waves of grief that wash over you as if you were starting all over again?

Many bereaved people have experienced this feeling and have consequently wondered “What is wrong with me? I thought I was doing so well!”

The fact is, “Nothing is WRONG with you.” What might be happening is that as time passes you are now grieving new meanings and implications of your loved one’s death. For instance, maybe your loved one died during the summertime. You are surrounded with the sights and sounds of summer life, and naturally, you mourn all of the connections to summer that you had with your loved. But when Christmas arrives you find yourself grieving afresh. New meanings and implications are being processed therefore new losses are being mourned. This is natural, so please don’t berate yourself for experiencing a wave of grief months or even years after the death of your loved one. You are not going backwards, but are instead processing new information about your loss.

The journey of grief is taken one step at a time, may it lead you to inner peace.

Della Ferguson

Am I going crazy?

“Am I going crazy?” This comment is heard regularly from the newly bereaved. It is that sense of not being able to remember things as easily; or the inability to concentrate; or the feeling of confusion; or a sense of time distortion; or experiencing short periods when you simply seem to ‘zone out’. The fact is that these are just a few of the normal grief responses that the newly bereaved experience.

Our grief affects our body, mind and spirit, and these symptoms are just some of the ways we are affected mentally. Many worry that these changes are permanent. In normal circumstances, they are temporary. So, how does one cope with such changes? Most importantly: be kind to yourself, not berating yourself for these short-term lapses. Grief takes a lot of mental energy, so, set realistic expectations for you for the time being. Make lists; keep a calendar close by; write yourself reminder notes; give yourself ‘grief breaks’; tell your story to a safe support person; set mini-goals; laugh when you can and relax. Remember: Good Grief: it takes time “Grief is like a long, winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

C.S. Lewis

“Getting Over It”

There are many “Grief Myths” that society lives by, and one of those myths is that we simply “get over” our grief. This myth has added frustration to the bereaved for they feel “abnormal” when they simply can’t “shut off the grief” and “get over it”. It is such myths that we as a society would do well to disregard. The fact is that we don’t “get over” our loss like we get over a common cold. The healing path goes THROUGH the grief…not over, under, or around. The healing path is a journey where you FEEL the many emotions associated with grief. We are called to open ourselves to experiencing the pain…as our teacher…not our enemy. By feeling, we learn about ourselves and our relationship with our loved ones. Once we feel the pain, and seek understanding from it we are called to find a way of safely giving expression to those feelings. In this way we can move through the grief process, and move ahead to a place where our lives become adjusted to the reality of our loss.

If you are walking the path of grief, I encourage you to seek loving support, and FEEL your way through. It’s the healthy choice.

If you know of someone who is bereaved, I pray that YOU are the loving support they seek, offering them a safe channel to process those many feelings that they so need to go through.

No, we don’t GET OVER IT…but, we can go THROUGH IT…as people who are forever changed by the process and by the life of the person we have loved.

The Tasks of Grief

Mental health professionals, with the help of the bereaved, have come to understand that there are tasks involved in grief work that may occur in varied sequence and often simultaneously as the work of one task will move into the work in other tasks.

One such set of tasks is:

· Recognizing the Loss: Accepting the reality of the loss in your life.

· Releasing the Emotions of Grief: Expressing the numerous intense emotions including sadness, despair, anger, guilt, fear, loneliness, shame, jealousy, relief.

· Developing New Skills: Moving through the shift in roles and relationships, and in one’s own sense of self-identity.

· Reinvesting Emotional Energy in the Present

There are no rights and wrongs and no deadlines. While individual paths share in the types of processes described above, each person’s path will still be uniquely their own.

While working on these tasks it is helpful to embrace some universal truths of grief work, as suggested by Bob Deits (Life After Loss):

The way out of grief is through it.

The very worst kind of grief is yours.

Grief is hard work.

Effective grief work is not done alone.

Growing Through Loss

“You can decide to grow through the most devastating loss in your life!

A major part of the growing side of grief is coming to understand that,

in the midst of a life-changing loss, we still have control over our own destiny.

You may not be able to choose all of the circumstances of your life,

but you can always choose your responses to whatever happens.”

Bob Deits - Healing after Loss

A catch-phrase that I often share at support groups is: “ there is a choice, we can either become bitter or better.” Folks usually dig in their heels, and vow that they will journey toward better. How do they do so? Bob Deits offers these four suggestions:

· Believe that your grief has a purpose and an end.

· Be responsible for your own grief process.

· Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

· Don’t rush it.

So, how does one measure growth through loss? Deits says:

· Growth means gaining a new love and reverence for life.

· It means shifting your attention from the ordinary to the quality elements of life.

· Growth is a greater awareness of our mutual need for each other and of the sacred dimension of life.

As you enter into this new season of your life, may you consider planting seeds of hope so you may experience the fulfillment of growth.

Facing Your Feelings

Why is it that people who cannot show feeling presume that that is a strength and not a weakness?

May Sarton

Aphrodite Mmatsakis, Ph.D., Author of I Can’t Get Over It~A Handbook for Trauma Survivors says that “Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong; feelings just are, they exist. You need not, and should not, judge yourself negatively just because you have or don’t have a particular feeling. Feelings don’t last forever. No matter what you are feeling, eventually it will lift and another emotion will take its place. When a strong feeling comes, you do not have to act on it. All you have to do is recognize it and feel it.”

The death of a loved one evokes many feelings. Some people are uncomfortable with the instant bombardment of these feelings, and choose to steer clear of them by whatever means they can. And some wear those feelings on their sleeve. The healthy choice is to face those feelings, to take personal time out to pay attention to those feelings, to learn from them, and then to let them go, having fulfilled their purpose. We are so perfectly created to cope with life’s circumstances, and feelings are one such part of our coping tools. May you face your feelings knowing that you’ve just taken a step forward on your healing path.

Put Your Pain Into Words

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”

William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Every time we express our feelings, a layer of pain is removed.

It has been clinically proven that people who journal and give expression to their deepest thoughts and feelings by writing them out, actually experience improved health. Giving expression to our thoughts and feelings offers relief to our body and mind. It also offers an opportunity to gain perspective on those thoughts and feelings that have been either churning around in confusion within ourselves or, that we have been pushing down, only to create a layered knot of unresolved issues. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, they just are. Our feelings are there to learn from. They are temporary experiences that, when acknowledged and perused, can be released. By putting our feelings into words, either spoken or written, we are then able to put our thoughts around them, and process them, or with the support of another, find understanding of them.

Pain is a red flag to be listened to, not to be ignored, not to be set aside…listened to. Giving expression to our feelings in a healthy way is “pain relief you can count on”.

Found Through Loss

“My grief journey opens me to every level of my identity.

The loss of a mirror to who I am sometimes fills me with overwhelming sadness: I am being transformed.”

Alan Wolfelt.

One of the Mourning Needs for the Bereaved prescribed by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D. is to Develop a New Self-Identity based on life without your loved one. Naturally, when someone you’ve been in relationship with dies, the way you see yourself, and the way society defines you, change. As well, you confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can all feel overwhelming, so it is important to TRUST yourself. YOU are the guide for this journey, if you but listen with the soul. The answer lies within, but it does not have to be found in isolation. So, listen, slow down and feel what you must feel. Be grounded in those things that you know for sure. And in the fullness of time, you will experience the metamorphosis that can take you from caterpillar to butterfly.

Spring: An Invasion or an Invitation

Signs of spring surround us as the air wafts its warm breeze across our face. For some this is an invigorating time. For some it is a time of tension. Why tension, you ask? Because winter was a time when the world was wrapped in darkness more than in light. Winter reflected the feelings of their soul. And spring’s light feels foreign.

For those who find spring difficult, I encourage you to consider the caterpillar. Life is normal until life’s circumstance compels it to create a cocoon. What was normal is no longer. There is safety within this shell of privacy. And then a ray of light seeps into that domain; an invasion; and yet somehow an invitation. And slowly, very slowly, this small creature moves, and in moving discovers that change has occurred. A transformation has taken place while within that cocoon. The light grows, and draws the transformed caterpillar toward its healing power. Then the miraculous occurs, it reaches out, wings unfold, and in taking a step, those wings take flight. Who knew?

May you embrace the invitation of spring, even though it feels so foreign, and in reaching, you too may find wings.

Spring is here and it is calling us to draw on its natural healing powers. Did you know that GARDENING is one of the oldest of healing arts? Many bereaved are finding gardening to be true therapy for their aching soul and here’s why:

Gardening develops a sense of pride in accomplishments, improving self-esteem and a sense of productivity.

As you journey through your grief, may this “plant some seeds” that help you “grow healthy”.

“As we struggle in the darkness of loss, all around us is the vigorous rush of life

Seasonal changes are difficult for the bereaved. This is often so true as winter unfolds into spring. I want to encourage you to open your spirit to the healing promises that are found in nature. Hear these words of a parent who has experienced such promises:

“...I believe we can see as well the promise inherent in spring’s unfolding glory and grasp the continuity its return affirms. Last fall we saw a bulb but this year we see the tender shoot of an infant plant. From gnarled, dead looking stumps, the cut-back rose sends tendrils of green to drink the sun. In each full cycle of our planet around its sun, we encounter irrefutable testament to renewal. In this we sense the defeat of death. Stand silently then, beneath the constancy of the night sky and upon the rejuvenating earth, and sense our loved ones constant and growing too, yet beyond our sight. Life continues. There are no endings. There are only beginnings. That is the promise of spring.”

Many describe the grief journey as being like a roller-coaster of emotions that is unpredictable and exhausting. One of the many emotions experienced along the way is anger. The anger may be directed inward as one is upset with themselves for something they did or didn’t do; the anger may be directed at another, again for things done or not done; or the anger may be directed at God. Anger is a natural response. The challenge comes in how we express our anger. When anger is seething within, we need to express it….without hurting ourselves or anyone else in the process.

Relaxation: Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm. Literally picture your breath coming up from your “gut”; or slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax”; or use imagery by visualizing a relaxing experience from your memory or imagination; or do non-strenuous yoga-like exercise.

Cognitive Restructuring: change the way you think by seeking a balanced perspective. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you.”

Problem Solving: When faced with the problems of life, focus your energy on how to handle and face the problem.

Better Communication: Slow down and think through your responses and listen carefully, not only to the other person but to your spirit within.

The next time anger boils within, I encourage you to take care by seeking healthy expression for that anger.

“How much more grevious are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

The loss of a child through pregnancy is a burden that so many parents carry silently throughout their lives. Since the unborn child’s life was experienced by only the immediate circle of contacts, the impact of the loss is kept within that circle, and sometimes mourned only within the confines of the mother and father’s hearts.

People offer cliché’s like, “You’ll have other children”; or “It’s for the best”, or “At least it was before you got too attached.” To be on the receiving end of such comments can be so very painful.

At a recent Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group Meeting participants were asked: “What would you like the world to know about Pregnancy and Infant Loss?”

· At the news of being pregnant, that “little person” immediately takes a permanent spot in your family.

· When a baby dies regardless of situation or age, you are letting go of a child.

· The joy you feel when celebrating your living child's milestones is comparable to the grief we feel at missing those milestones.

· We will never “get over it”. What we are doing is trying to learn to walk with our grief.

· We need help as we learn to walk with our grief, and there are things you can do to help. You can help by honouring the significance of this life and this death and our loss.

· You can help by not trying to “fix me” or rationalize my loss, or assuming you know how I feel or what I need. I need people who will listen to my feelings without changing the subject.

· We need more research on pregnancy loss to answer the unanswered questions. It is no longer enough to assume it was because something was wrong with the baby or with me.

If you have experienced Pregnancy Loss and are feeling alone in your experience – please know you are not alone and supports are available to you.

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind surviving-loved ones left shocked, grieving and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain.

In fact approximately one out of four people know someone who died by suicide. Each suicide leaves behind a network of family and close friends who must cope with the same inner turmoil. If you have had someone you love complete suicide, please know that you do not have to suffer alone. There are others who understand and safe places to go to support you through your pain.

The Survivors of Suicide Support Group is one such place where everyone understands your pain and your search for peace. In a safe atmosphere we offer mutual support and information on how to cope with this most painful loss. Please know that there is a safe place for you. You do not have to grieve alone.

“The reclamation process is not easy. You must make a conscious effort to build new foundations, and defining yourself takes time. Certainly you are not the person you once were. How could you be? You needed your entire life before the loss to define yourself, and you may need a substantial portion of its remainder to get the definition back. It can be done. Therapy helps; survivor groups help; close friends help; and a positive attitude is essential.”

“Grown men don’t cry” is a cliché that has stifled the expression of grief for men for ages. In When A Man Faces Grief, by Thomas R. Golden and James E. Miller, the issue of men and grief is addressed and besides taking the above cliché and calling it a MYTH, they have offered some sound advice on healthy ways for men to face their losses. The following is a summary of their work:

· You will grieve in your own way, influenced by who you are, how you’re made, what you’ve experienced, and how you’ve been raised.

· You will be inclined to use your strength to connect with and heal your pain.

· You’re likely to find meaning in caring for those around you as one aspect of your grieving process.

· You may wish to honour your loss through action that impacts the future more than talking about the past.

How does one “Give Thanks” when their heart is focused on “what you don’t have?” Many who are bereaved find it hard to feel any sense of Thanksgiving this season, for their lives are void of someone who brought a great deal of meaning to their life. The table has an empty chair at it…life just isn’t the same…all may seem lost.

“What is there to be thankful for?” you may ask. That’s an excellent question to ponder this Thanksgiving. “What is there to be thankful for?” What difference did your loved one make in your life? What did this person teach you? What did you love about them? What are your favourite memories of them? When you’ve answered some of these questions…you’ve just found a lot to be thankful for. Now I encourage you to sit down, write them a letter… light a candle…share a toast, and give thanks for all that your loved one was in your life.

“Gratitude, is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."

Thanksgiving is a time when we very intentionally give thanks for our many blessings. For those who are grieving, there may be a real block toward the concept of “feeling thankful”, and yet, gratitude can be such a healing experience. I propose to all who grieve an exercise in gratitude. I invite you to sit with a journal, or a simple sheet of paper and begin listing the blessings that you have experienced through the loved one whom you mourn. Give thanks for the ways they touched your life. Give thanks for the lessons you learned from them…directly and indirectly. Give thanks. And, take note of how you feel while doing so…for gratitude can take an empty cup and fill it to overflowing before you know it.

This Thanksgiving, may you adopt an attitude of gratitude for all that you had…all that you have…and all that is yet to come. This Thanksgiving, may you experience the warmth of a “great-full” heart.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more…

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

1. Buy, or make, a special ornament or memento to display. Put your loved one’s name on it, along with significant dates.

Either tell others the significance of the lit candle, or write a poem or note to set near it as an explanation.

3. Make a donation to a hospital, a gift drive for the needy or a memorial plant or candle at your Church or some other meaningful charity in memory of your loved one.

4. If you hang stockings at Christmas, hang one for your loved one. Make or buy one if you don’t already have one. Fill it with special notes from each family member.

5. Choose to be at activities that are “safe” for you. If you feel a strong need to get away for the holiday, rather than joining the family, do that. Let your family know that it is hard for you right now, and that you need to alter your plans in order to cope. Pick a place you have wanted to visit. Plan some quiet time as well as activities to keep you busy.

Here’s a gift list written by Cheryl McQueen, that we’d like to suggest to you.

· to acknowledge that the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event.

· to acknowledge my wish list: to put up a tree-if I wish; to send cards-if I wish; to have our traditional Christmas-if I wish; to go on a holiday-if I wish.

· to admit that I won't always have to celebrate the holidays this way, but for the time being, this is how I must cope.

· to be aware that the sights, sounds, smells and music of the holiday season may bring "grief bursts" and that’s OK.

· to disallow others to force me into doing things I don't want to do; I will not let them "should" on me.

· to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten the one I love.

· to not numb myself with excessive eating, drinking, or drugs, or harm myself or others, if an emotional crisis occurs; I will turn to those who love me.

· to be gentle and kind to myself and to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.

The loss of a loved one through death is a life –changing experience. What was “normal” is no longer normal. As one person said, “normal” is a setting on the dryer… that’s all.

So, a new year has dawned, how do you face the changes that it brings? You do it one step at a time. As the Chinese Proverb says, “The man who removed mountains began by carrying away small stones.” Sometimes looking at the “Big Picture” of life can feel too overwhelming. Sometimes a New Year can feel overwhelming. If that is the case for you, then just take one moment at a time…or one day at a time, whatever increment works for you. Then, adopt an attitude that is one of SURVIVOR. Take on an attitude that “I WILL make it through this moment and this day.”

This New Years, please take some time to look within, and then consider a resolution to take life on one step at a time, living each moment as fully as you possibly can, not in spite of your loss, but in response to our loss. And as you do so, listen with your heart, and maybe you’ll hear your loved one nodding in encouragement.

As a new year unfolds we find ourselves with the opportunity to look back taking inventory of the past, and to look ahead planning for the future. For some the thought of looking back or ahead can be overwhelming for both are filled with the pain of loss. The past reminds the bereaved of what they no longer have…and the future reminds them of what they will never again have. So how do the bereaved take stock?

In looking back, there is one guideline to follow: remember realistically. As one embraces the good memories, may we also consider the difficult ones…for we find growth in both. As one recalls the high points, also review the falls… for we learn through each. As one reviews the gains, it’s important to bring to mind the losses…for there is wealth to be found in both. As you begin this trek into the New Year, I encourage you to look back and take stock…but, please, don’t stay there.

In looking ahead, may we take the inventory of the past into consideration, so we may resolve ourselves to take the next step. Ask yourself such questions as,

“What is helpful for me to carry into the future, and what is helpful for me to let go of?”

As you look back, and look ahead, remember that moving ahead into the future doesn’t leave your loved one behind…what it does do is free them to be part of your present and future in a whole new way.

A New Year has arrived, and it comes packed with the potential of fulfillment and life. It’s a gift, especially for you…will you open it?

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Valentine’s Day: a day to reflect and embrace the love in your life. The florists are busied with orders to be filled by people who want to show their love. The card shops are swarming with intent card-buyers who want to express their love. Signs of love are everywhere.

To those bereaved who are experiencing this Valentine’s Day without their loved one, I remind you of that truth: that love is not seen with the eye, but experienced with the heart. And that love knows no bounds…not even death. On this day, PLEASE don’t exclude yourself from the expression of your love. Allow yourself to honour the love that has touched your heart. You can do so by writing a letter to your loved one; or creating a picture collage; or eating their favourite meal; or sending up an “I Love You” Helium balloon.

You may not receive a visible confirmation or reply, but if you open up your heart, I guarantee that your heart will feel what your eyes cannot see: love!

The red colour of this flame symbolizes my heart overflowing with love for you.

The glow of this candle represents the light that leads our relationship into new dimensions.

I am ever thankful for the way you lit up my life and the way you continue to light up my life.

It is in giving expression to our thoughts and feelings that we find relief and peace. May you find a channel to express your love remembering that though death ends a life, it does not end relationship.

“I knew my daddy loved me through and through, and whatever happens when people die,

This Mother’s Day, if you are a mother experiencing the loss of a child, or a child experiencing the loss of a mother, I encourage you to embrace this quotation to support you on your grief journey. A mother’s love IS like a circle. Your love knows no bounds…not even death. Author Hope Edelman writes: “The process of mourning is not only about detachment and the gradual relinquishment of the lost one, it is also about a reconfirmation of our attachments. The full work of mourning encompasses the rebuilding of our inner world and the restoration of the beloved in the form of an inner presence…” On this Mother’s Day, celebrate the circle of LOVE that is never-ending. As your heart aches for what isn’t…may you open your spirit to what IS. LOVE IS…and ever will be!

Mother’s Day…a day when Moms celebrate children…and children celebrate their moms. It all sounds so simple, unless you’ve experienced the death of your mom, or a child. For the bereaved, Mother’s Day can be extremely painful, yet with some careful planning it can be very meaningful. Mother’s Day can be a day to celebrate the legacies of our loved ones. Through story-telling, kite-flying, collage-making, quilt-creations, scrap-booking, picnics, tributes, memorial donations, flowers and so much more, you can celebrate the legacies of your loved ones.

As you consider how you may do so...here are some questions to ask yourself to trigger thoughts.

· Think about the se questions...work through them and you will find the legacies of your loved one.

No matter the age of your loved one…whether a tiny, unborn child, or a centenarian, our loved ones have left a legacy, and it is that legacy that we have with us forever, to cherish and to celebrate. May you have a blessed Mother’s Day as you celebrate the Life Legacies of your loved one.

“To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.”

This Father’s Day, this quote brings extra meaning. It is my prayer that you draw on the strength of a Father’s love for your healing. Maybe you’ve experienced the loss of your father…or maybe you’re a father experiencing the loss of a child. Both experiences leave you this Father’s Day with a deep sense of loss, a loss that can leave you feeling weakened by the affects of your grief, I encourage you to consider the strength of the love that has left you feeling weak. Consider the statement “When I am weak, then I am strong.” There lies within the legacy of a Father’s love…strength...a force that empowers. A Father’s love knows no bounds. A Father’s love cannot be limited, not even by death.

I would like to encourage you to draw on your “strengths” to seek healing. It is so helpful to turn to your strongest ally when you’re hurting…those things that come naturally. Authors, Thomas R. Golden and James E. Miller suggest asking yourself the following questions:

· What has become second nature to you, so you can do it without even thinking?

This Father’s Day as you celebrate the love of a Father…may you also celebrate the strength of that love… that binds you together for eternity and… the strength that can heal.

How does one respond to a fellow employee after they have experienced the loss of a loved one? Do you go about “business as usual”? Do you acknowledge their loss? What’s best? In our Resource Library is an excellent video called, “Grief in the Workplace” by Doug Manning. He suggests the following response to a fellow employee’s grief:

1. Break the ice. Example: “I’m sorry that . . . (name the loss). I just want you to know I’m thinking of you and I will be there for you.

2. Educate yourself ~ learn to understand the grief process. It is not an overnight process. The length of time for grief is varied, it depends on the person and the significance of the loss. An employee will experience waves of grief. This does not mean they are “losing it”. They just need permission to feel what they are feeling and a sense of your presence and support.

3. Time ~ There is no set time for grief or absence from work or ability to cope and function. However, if an employee feels your support they will most likely be back to work sooner and a part of the “Team”.

4. Help them build a support system around themselves, no one expects you to be a counselling center. Familiarize yourself to what is offered as support in your community and encourage your employee to utilize those support systems. No one need travel the path of grief alone.

5. Don’t drop them over time. Acknowledge significant events such as the anniversary of the loss and special holidays. Do not be afraid to bring up the person’s name for fear of setting off a wave of grief. The truth is your employee is already feeling the weight of the occasion and your acknowledgement will bring a sense of support and comfort.

Deal with grief appropriately and early in the employees “Journey Through Grief”.

When adults experience the death of a sibling, they often feel abandoned by society. The support and sympathy goes to their parents, with brothers and sisters expected to “get over it” so they can comfort the parents or fill the void of the sibling. The fact is that siblings grieve too!

Life changes in an instant, and through the loss a sibling experiences issues such as the following:

1. Seeking a New Identity: Our identity is based on having our sibling in our life. They are part of our background, present and planned future. They are an important part of the family constellation, and following their death, not only are we seeking a new identity as an individual, but, our “family” is also seeking a new identity. It takes time to learn how to live your life again. You have to grow within yourself the parts once carried by your brother or sister.

2. Compulsive Caregiving: Often as bereaved siblings we pour ourselves into caring for others, and in so doing we deny our feelings. John Gray says “What you feel, you can heal,” and this is the only route to growing through grief.

Give your child honest answers to their questions at their level of understanding.

Yes, children do grieve. They mourn in their own unique way, just as adults each have their own personal path through grief. Because children do mourn differently, we often assume that they in fact are not grieving at all, but such is not the case. So, how do we support a child through their experience of grief and loss?

First, and most importantly, consider the child as your teacher. Ask them to teach you about their experience of grief. Some children are able to articulate their feelings, and name feeling words that describe their path. While others find drawing, painting, clay, collages, and storytelling as mediums in which they can share more readily. The secret is for the adults in a child’s world to not TELL them how to grieve, but in fact for the adults to offer themselves as SAFE people in the life of the child with whom they may share their grief journey.

Children are affected, as adults: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And, just as adults, if they are offered an atmosphere of acceptance, unconditional love and safety, they will move through their grief, to that place where their loss is integrated into their life in a healthy and holistic way.

The following are statements that the bereaved have taught us are NOT helpful for them:

(No one knows how anyone feels…even if you have experienced a very similar circumstance).

(Any statement that rationalizes a loss, can be perceived by the bereaved as a discounting of their feelings)

(The bereaved do not ‘get over' the loss of a loved one… they process their feelings and move through the grief journey seeking to reorganize their lives in light of their loss.)

And, often the most helpful thing to offer is your presence. The bereaved SO need people who will listen…REALLY listen, without judging, without advice, without feeling the need to ‘fix” them… accepting them just the way they are in that particular moment. If you can do this, you’ll find yourself on SACRED GROUND…and you will not only bless the bereaved, but you too will be blessed.”

Spring: An Invasion or an Invitation

Men & Grief

I am ever thankful for the way you lit up my life and the way you continue to light up my life.